It’s a bit of a strange thing to be into BDSM and monogamous, I’m very much in the minority and I know it. It’s not that I haven’t had a sort of go with a more open kind of relationship and I was nothing but miserable. How I conduct my relationships is not for everyone, just as how other people conduct theirs is not for me. As much as BDSM isn’t one size fits all and we tend to just let everyone get on with it as long as everyone is a consenting adult so should our relationships be.
It’s not really like that though is it? I’ve had hate and abuse thrown at me because I don’t want open or more than one relationship. I’m backwards, stupid and need to be educated. Or maybe I’m just not built for non-monogamy? Just as they aren’t built for monogamy, and I accept that, I wouldn’t expect them to date me and nor should they expect me to date them. I would be cheated on or cheat on my partner, I’m less of a dominant, I’m a “fucking idiot” and monogamy isn’t natural. Neither is my bright pink hair sweetheart yet here we are.
Putting the thumb screws on a total stranger because of how they choose to maintain a relationship is not and will never be OK. I know we can feel threatened by people who live their lives different to the way we do, I get enough stick for being child free, but my choice to only have sex with one person that makes me happy is not a dig at your life choices. If you are happy and it works for you that’s fantastic. I’ll support you if anyone says you shouldn’t be doing it. But please show me the same respect in return. It is literally all I ask in return.
As I say, I made a pressured attempt many years ago and I was straight up miserable. Why should I keep forcing it on myself to make others around me happy at the cost of my own short and long term mental health? Oh, you were pressured into it, it’s different if you aren’t pressured. You’re absolutely right, however the only way I would ever end up going that way again is under pressure so here we are in a catch-22. I don’t want another partner, I love the person I am with and haven’t got an urge or a need to be with anyone else. If I did start wanting someone else then I know I would be falling out of love with my partner. The relationship I have meets all my needs, and he feels the same way. Maybe if things changed and we wanted to add another partner to what we have then maybe we would have a lot of discussions and see how we could make the changes and meet someone new. I don’t see it happening but stranger things have happened.
And when it comes to the making me “less dominant” (and oh that pisses me off to this day) I don’t need to have a stable of submissives to prove how dominant I am. Yes when I am back at work I will be domming multiple people online, it is however my job, my work and very different to having relationships with them. That is me selling a service and is vastly different. If you want to have more than one submissive/slave then that’s fantastic, I hope you all have a long loving relationship. I couldn’t do what you do and I have a lot of respect for ethical non-monogamy. To get back onto the original point of this paragraph I can’t work out how not being polyamarous makes me less dominant. No one ever told me they were related and I’m straight up baffled.
So if you are starting out or been in the lifestyle for a while I’m just going to say this, if you want to try non-monogamy fucking go for it! Just remember to not keep secrets and be completely open. If you want to just have one partner that is absolutely fine too! There are not set in stone rules for this, it is down to the people involved and not those sat on the sideline who think everyone should be just like them.