OK, today I’m going to put my switch hat on again (it’s sparkly in case you’re wondering) and follow up my last post and talk about some realities of lifestyle BDSM.
Maybe you’ve just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey (and just this once I will not judge you too harshly) or it’s something you’ve always wanted to do and finally you are ready to take the plunge. I’ve been living the lifestyle for years and here’s the thing, the reality is that they are a lot of hard work. Hell, relationships are a lot of hard work but adding a whole other element on top of it and there’s a lot more work to put in. So grab a drink and let Auntie Hazard share some truths of living the lifestyle.
It’s not all about sex
This should be really obvious but apparently it isn’t. That sexy slave you’ve been talking to, that you want to take control of is not going to be horny at the drop of a hat and ready to fuck you every second of the day. They have a whole life, hobbies, friends, family and a complex brain chemistry. If you want to build an entire D/s relationship around fucking it will struggle once the honeymoon period is over. It’s a lifestyle not a fuckstyle. (I just came up with that and I’m rather proud of it.) Giving up control in D/s relationships is bigger than that. A lot bigger, it’s building trust, constant communication, working out what parts of their life are those to run because, quite frankly, they know more about it. Sex is great, I fucking love it, but if that’s all you want to focus on that sexy slave is soon going to be feeling bored and unfulfilled.
We are who we are
You cannot turn a sweet little into a filthy masochist. You can be both, but you can’t force someone into being something they aren’t. One too many times I dated people that didn’t seem to want to date a goth/cyberpunk/whatever weird alternative look I was rocking at the time. I would have to take out the piercings and no more tattoos because I didn’t fit into the box they wanted me in. They are gone and I am still a bad-ass alternative freak and I love it.
Trying to turn someone into what they aren’t will make them miserable. I’m a latex loving, sadistic, occasionally masochistic in my private life, bondage enjoying mostly Domme goth weirdo. And I intend on staying that way until I’m too old wield a whip.
For me I’ve never wanted to turn someone into what was perfect for me, but the best version of themselves. D/s is about guidance as much as it is about the control.
We all have lives
Things get in the way on occasion, as I said before, we have big complex brains and sometimes they release more of one chemical than another because of outside influence. The people we love can get sick, jobs can become stressful and at the worst case we can even lose people we love and no one wants to think about domming or submitting to someone even if it is a part of who we are and we love our partner/s as much as we do.
As someone who has struggled with her health for years I can confirm that it very much gets in the way and we just need to focus on ourselves and the pressure of having to be constantly “on” for someone is just too much to ask for.
It’s so much fun
You were starting to think I was going to end on a down note, weren’t you? Don’t worry, ya girl Hazard has totally got your back. The lifestyle really is so much fun, we wouldn’t all be doing it if it wasn’t. But like with anything, you need to put in a lot of work, know what you want and bare in mind that your likes will change over time, you’ll fall out of love with some things and fall in love with new ones. Over 10 years ago I wasn’t that into latex and now I am gradually building a gorgeous rubber wardrobe, I fell out of love with ball gags pretty quick and I always said I never wanted to even consider age play and I gave it a go. That didn’t last but I at least gave it a go!
Be open to new experiences, stay safe and just enjoy it.