Following on from Fridays post from my partner about living with phimosis, we’re starting off the week with a post about my perspective.
I already knew about phimosis, I’d known two people who had it and were both treated for it with circumcision later in life, however I had never had a partner with it, at least not untreated. And it turns out, it can be incredibly hard to get a doctor to take it seriously enough to actually get that treatment.
It’s hard knowing your partner is hurting and there is nothing you can do about it, and phimosis causes both kinds of pain, as he talked about in detail in his post. On top of that is the fact that it affects our sex life, and while ours has always been healthy it has caused us problems of course.
If you are in the same position as I am you’ll know that there’s little you can do aside from keep talking about it and be supportive. But you’ll also know it gets you down too, I’ve had my moments where I’ve beaten myself up over it. Feeling like it’s my fault that he has never been able to orgasm from penetration while I can. (Yes it is in any normal circumstance the other way around.) I also find it easy, when on my own I can orgasm in anything from 30 seconds to a minute and a half. And I feel bad for that too, even though he loves to give me orgasm after orgasm I feel bad that I’ve never been able to reciprocate without a lot of help from him.
I’ve never felt inadequate when it came to sex, it’s something I’ve always prided myself on being very good at. But this situation can make you feel that way, and you can internalise a lot of guilt. I have had to remind myself that it is not my fault, and to be kinder to myself. Even two years in I still worry so much about hurting him accidentally in a blowjob or hand job. Even when it comes to sex I worry I’m too tight and I’ll hurt him or even too loose and he won’t feel anything.
My partner has seen a doctor who was no help at all, and of course you can either pay a lot to get it fixed privately or if you can get on a waiting list you’re in for a long wait to get that help. What they never talked about was the non surgical options which is something I’ve been researching more and more lately. There are stretches that can help in less extreme cases, which is something he is currently trying. And it has loosened a little since we started having sex, again something not uncommon, but the head of his penis is very sensitive so we have to be careful as it can cause pain. This is something that can ease the more of often the head is exposed.
If you have a partner that has this it can be difficult but you aren’t alone in this and there are some things you need to remember;
- Be supportive, it can be easy to get frustrated but letting negative emotions take over will not help. In fact they will do far more harm than good.
- Be kind to yourself, it’s easy for us to internalise things and blame ourselves for problems. But there is no one to blame here.
- Do your research, there are a great many sites out there (the NHS website is an excellent and reliable place to start).
- Keep talking, yes we still talk about it. It would be daft not to given that it is a part of our sex life. It’s why I was so glad my partner was so willing to share his experiences to help support others and raise some awareness.
If you would like either of us to do future blog posts on this or go into any particular detail further you can get in contact in the comments, through my Twitter account or you can email firstname.lastname@example.org
Neither of us are doctors and the only recommendation either of us can really give is to see a doctor. And unfortunately in some cases you may need to try different doctors for the help you need.