I Don’t Like Wands

I may lose my girl card for this, but I hate magic wands. I know it’s not just women that use them, but that’s a line from my stand up set and I needed an opener.

People with clits seem to love them, I see more positive review than negative and even then the negative ones say that they have a far better one that they love and would like to be buried with in their Viking funeral. I wouldn’t be buried with mine, I would rather bury it several miles away from me at a crossroads so its spirit can never find its way back to me. But it’s given me some pretty good comedy material so it isn’t all bad.

What is it people like? They’re big, they’re heavy, they’re bulky and my one has to be plugged into the wall and that quite frankly makes it far too irritating to be a part of my sexy time. Yes I know there are cordless ones, but I’m not wasting my money. But and again it has given me stand up material so I guess I’ve gotten some mileage out of it.

Maybe it’s because my left hand is pretty busted up and my grip is quite weak, maybe it’s a particularly heavy toy in the first place. Maybe it’s trying to navigate a cable that is at the same time too long and too short. It could be the trying to navigate such a big, bulky toy under my covers because my room is so damn cold I’m not wanking above the covers. Or maybe it’s because it goes from 0 to sixty in a damn heartbeat and my clit ran scared down the street and had to be enticed back with lesbian porn and the shake of a treat jar (it likes chocolate drops in case you’re wondering).

I like being able to use a dildo and a vibrator when I’m wanking, but unless I can cobble together some kind of rig to hold at least one of them it’s just not going to happen. Because I wanted a wank not to take up weight lifting. Nothing for pleasure should be that heavy unless it’s designed to take the weight of an adult. You know, like a spanking bench.

I had an ex that loved using it on me, I think just to really piss me off because I regularly told him I hated it, and he would insist he loved using it. So I told him if he ever touched me again I would scream, and not in the sexy way. But I was going to find a use for it one day. I had tried it so selling was not an option, don’t use it. I don’t think the people that created that monstrosity currently in the deepest, darkest corner of my wardrobe thought it was going to be used for a stand up set.

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