There are very few things in BDSM that only have one way of doing them, and that’s down to health and safety. Yet there are people that will say there is only “one true way” and I’ve been practising BDSM for 15 years so I can promise you, that’s bullshit.
I was thinking about this a lot recently, something from my private life inspired it so I thought it was time to share it here too. I’ve heard the whole “true sub/dom” thing since I started and it’s always been from people I wish I had never had the misfortune of meeting. When that term has been used it has always been as an act of manipulation, to bend someone into doing something they are uncomfortable with or to excuse shit behaviour. It’s not their fault they’re a knob, it’s yours for not being enough of something. If you have ever been told this let me just reassure you. That person was a cunt and you’re doing OK.
The thing is, what we need out of our dominance and submission, or what we need from our dominant and submissive partner/s is enough. And it is an ever changing thing, what I needed and desired three years ago is different from my needs and desires now, or ten years ago. It has grown and changed just as we do. There is nothing static about us as humans, we are always growing and changing and I don’t trust anyone that says they don’t.
I’m probably almost unrecognisable in many ways, and that doesn’t make me less or fake in any way, it’s just the way we are. In all of us there is room to change and grow, those who believe in you being a “true” anything are expecting you to be one way that offers no change (unless of course this suits them, then you absolutely aren’t a true anything if you don’t) and no one can live with good mental health if they live like this.
The thing is, if a relationship doesn’t make you happy you need to talk to your partner, if they aren’t accepting of the changes you need and use the “one true way” excuse then put your own emotional well being first and get out. There is no harm in walking away from something when it’s only making you unhappy. There’s more harm in staying.
There are different kinds of kinky relationship and it’s just a case of finding the right one for your dominance or submission or both if you’re a switch. If there is more than one kind of submissive or dominant then how can there be only one true way?